RandyBobA went on a rampage last night with alcohol and cookies. He was like a drunk, assholish Cookie Monster, only not so lovable or blue. He warned his buddies that he was going to go off on people to try and shake things up. Boy, did he ever. It was like a staff meeting all over again, only there wasn't some dumb math teacher rambling on about how good they are.
For the reward challenge, they had an auction. RandyBob paid around $220 for three beers and some peanuts. This is totally out of character for our metal shop super hero who's favorite formula for buying beer is widely known as: "ALCOHOL, DIVIDED BY PRICE EQUALS HAPPINESS." This formula usually gets louder and slurrier as the night wanes.
AAAAnnnyways, SusieDana bought a hot bath. Thank goodness. She then said that it was too hot and got out. What a waste of money. Boiled melons.
Toward the end of the auction, RandyBob bought a plate of cookies to be shared with the tribe. The moron (social misfit that he is) asks Probst, "I can keep them for myself if I want?" The answer was, No. He proceeded to offer SugarCollette one who promptly refused. Sugar hates RandyBob. RandyBob offered her his very own, last cookie and she took it and gave it to MattyDebi. Oh Man, this infuriated the already furious, genetically furious, RandyBobA.
For Immunity, they had to stack blocks in an obstacle course. KenKatheenR won. BobKathyJ made a fake immunity idol and gave it to RandyBob who played it confidently at Tribal. Needless to say, he was shocked. Good thing he was voted off or the next episode would be very painful to watch. There would be a dead science teacher on a stick for dinner.
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: Don't drink while politicing; Smile because people will think that you have a secret; Tell random people about obvious weather conditions.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Gay Steve sent packing
It's official, CharlieStephen jinxed himself for good. Since bragging that he has picked a top four in the past four seasons of Survivor, he hasn't come even close in the last two runs. Sorry Steve, your fantasy land domination seems to have run out. But, maybe you could do better with Fantasy Dancing with the Stars. I hear Bob A. watches faithfully.
Last week, the morons voted out none other than yours truly. As Charlie Stephen put it, "Th I don't know who they thould have votethed out but it thertainly thouldn't have been my sexthy MarcusthJohn, th th, th, th." Oh well, now they can be on the jury together. I can see it now, CharlieSteve sitting a little too close to MarcusJohn at Tribal Council, JUST LIKE IN THE STAFF ROOM. Personally, I find him a bit intimidating so I let him buy me lunch sometimes.
AaAAAANNYway, it went down something like this: The reward challenge looked like a fun game of slingshot golf. The slingshots had to be worked by three people, two on each side and one shooter. They had some golf holes mapped out in the jungle and the lowest score to get in won. BobKathy B, the Science teacher, was the shooter for yellow and bossy MattyDebi G was shooter for red. Yellow took an early lead with a short shot from gamer KenKathleen. The little twig of a couch potato made a pretty good shot. In the end though, it came down to a six inch shot that DebiMatty and RandyBobA. argued fiercely over. Even after they won, RandyBobA couldn't get his anger back in check. He was stomping around and swearing JUST LIKE IN METALS CLASS.
For Immunity, they had to build a fire and burn through a rope. Low and behold, SusieDana was able to get the first fire going and won immunity. Figures that a Sped teacher would be good at burning crap.
They went to Tribal and voted: Four for CrystalShannonS and five for CharlieSteve. SugarCollette turned on him. KenKathleen the ruthless b** set the whore thing up.
On a side note, CrystalShannonS claims that she is an Olympic Medalist. HOLY CRAP she is WEAK! She has dropped out or brought the team down in every single physical thing she has been in. She'd better keep it a secret because the entire tribe will laugh uncontrollably if she ever mentions that she was an Athlete. Better get your butt back in the weight room sister.
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: Don't whore your free time out for money; don't eat unidentifiable stuff from the staff room; and never, I mean NEVER, "piggyback" or "dovetail" off of anything I have said.
Last week, the morons voted out none other than yours truly. As Charlie Stephen put it, "Th I don't know who they thould have votethed out but it thertainly thouldn't have been my sexthy MarcusthJohn, th th, th, th." Oh well, now they can be on the jury together. I can see it now, CharlieSteve sitting a little too close to MarcusJohn at Tribal Council, JUST LIKE IN THE STAFF ROOM. Personally, I find him a bit intimidating so I let him buy me lunch sometimes.
AaAAAANNYway, it went down something like this: The reward challenge looked like a fun game of slingshot golf. The slingshots had to be worked by three people, two on each side and one shooter. They had some golf holes mapped out in the jungle and the lowest score to get in won. BobKathy B, the Science teacher, was the shooter for yellow and bossy MattyDebi G was shooter for red. Yellow took an early lead with a short shot from gamer KenKathleen. The little twig of a couch potato made a pretty good shot. In the end though, it came down to a six inch shot that DebiMatty and RandyBobA. argued fiercely over. Even after they won, RandyBobA couldn't get his anger back in check. He was stomping around and swearing JUST LIKE IN METALS CLASS.
For Immunity, they had to build a fire and burn through a rope. Low and behold, SusieDana was able to get the first fire going and won immunity. Figures that a Sped teacher would be good at burning crap.
They went to Tribal and voted: Four for CrystalShannonS and five for CharlieSteve. SugarCollette turned on him. KenKathleen the ruthless b** set the whore thing up.
On a side note, CrystalShannonS claims that she is an Olympic Medalist. HOLY CRAP she is WEAK! She has dropped out or brought the team down in every single physical thing she has been in. She'd better keep it a secret because the entire tribe will laugh uncontrollably if she ever mentions that she was an Athlete. Better get your butt back in the weight room sister.
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: Don't whore your free time out for money; don't eat unidentifiable stuff from the staff room; and never, I mean NEVER, "piggyback" or "dovetail" off of anything I have said.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Premier
Disclaimer: this is meant for fun and I only agree with about half of what I write. You figure out which half.
It started out, a bunch of hairless apes trudging through lush, green fields of Africa waiting to get eaten by Hippos. They met Jeffrey (Probst, not the ToysRus giraffe), chose tribes, then set out on the first challenge. The first tribe, Koda made it through a race and earned an extra bag of rice. The second tribe, Fang came in second.
Kenkathleen is a GEEK! He admitted that he hasn't kissed a real girl in five years. Being a computer 'gamer' though, I suppose he's kissed several cyber girls. What a stud.
CharlieStephen is totally attracted to MarcusJohn. Can you blame him? John is a hotttieeee. However, I'm not sure that Stheven could get any more gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. But, holy cow, I would guess that even other gay guys are embarrassed. The dude listhps the worst of any gay Survivor yet.
AceKaraH. is probably pretty cool. I have to say that he might be a good pick: focused, likable, strong, stho sexthy.
RandyBobA cut his head, of course. Stupid shop teachers are over paid and either burn themselves or cut themselves to get attention.
First Immunity challenge: a race through swamp tied together, over nets, to a site where puzzle pieces are buried. Fang gets there first but can't find any bags of pieces. Koda finds all three before other the tribe finds their first. Koda wins Immunity and fire. BobKathyB is a stud! That old fart is totally dominating. Forget running cheerleaders around, she's fixing huts, putting puzzles together, and running the show. She's like a white YauMan. Plus, he's a physics teacher which means there's been no money so he had to learn to do everything himself.
HA! DannyTerry would like to be called G Cissle or G.C. for short. Hey, Terry, how about, Dingus instead? G. Sizzle, my butt.
Since Fang lost the challenge, GillianCorrina, ancient nurse of Babylon, was on the chopping block. Also, MichelleBonnieG is up for an early exit. Apparently, Bonnie is a Negative Nancy. She doesn't like anyone. I kind of figured. At Tribal, she attacked everyone on the tribe, JUST like at work.
G.C.TerryM stepped up and was voted as first leader. Everyone,,, choral response: DEATH SENTENCE. In the past, the first leader, though usually self-appointed, gets the axe early on. Plus, what kind of dumbassed name is G.Sizzle!?
Oh Man, MichelleBonnie is voted out FIRST. Woa. The 'alliance' is broken right off. Bonnie G, or, in true Terry fashion, G.Bone, I think that Sthephen losth histh mo jo when he bragged about histh record prior to the last Survivor flight. Sorry, Kid.
Bonus: two hour special.
Of course, we start off with CharlieSthephen lisping about how cute and sthexthy MucousJohn isth th th th th th.
Then, a whole bunch of strategy garbage. Fang (pronounced like Thong but with an F. Also sounds like 'Thong' which causes a nanosecond delay in my processing everytime it is said), does nothing but argue. G.C.Terry tried to quit but nobody wanted the job of leader.
Reward challenge: Both teams show up to find two.......big.........balls. Nothing says good T.V. like two big balls. They had to roll the balls through a course. First one to get to the finish gets fishing gear and a spear. Koda wins again.
DanBrandan gets sent to Exile island. Serves him right. The guy needs time to think about stuff and things and why stuff happens but nothing matters as much as..........wait for it..............:clean..........white.......balls. He can't find the idol, probably because, being a lawyer, he lacks common sense and can't read very well.
GillianCorrina is voted out during the second hour because she's old and weak.
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: Don't eat what you can't idenify. Open your mind to blanket statements at staff meetings. And, whatever you do, don't bring up gum chewing.
It started out, a bunch of hairless apes trudging through lush, green fields of Africa waiting to get eaten by Hippos. They met Jeffrey (Probst, not the ToysRus giraffe), chose tribes, then set out on the first challenge. The first tribe, Koda made it through a race and earned an extra bag of rice. The second tribe, Fang came in second.
Kenkathleen is a GEEK! He admitted that he hasn't kissed a real girl in five years. Being a computer 'gamer' though, I suppose he's kissed several cyber girls. What a stud.
CharlieStephen is totally attracted to MarcusJohn. Can you blame him? John is a hotttieeee. However, I'm not sure that Stheven could get any more gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. But, holy cow, I would guess that even other gay guys are embarrassed. The dude listhps the worst of any gay Survivor yet.
AceKaraH. is probably pretty cool. I have to say that he might be a good pick: focused, likable, strong, stho sexthy.
RandyBobA cut his head, of course. Stupid shop teachers are over paid and either burn themselves or cut themselves to get attention.
First Immunity challenge: a race through swamp tied together, over nets, to a site where puzzle pieces are buried. Fang gets there first but can't find any bags of pieces. Koda finds all three before other the tribe finds their first. Koda wins Immunity and fire. BobKathyB is a stud! That old fart is totally dominating. Forget running cheerleaders around, she's fixing huts, putting puzzles together, and running the show. She's like a white YauMan. Plus, he's a physics teacher which means there's been no money so he had to learn to do everything himself.
HA! DannyTerry would like to be called G Cissle or G.C. for short. Hey, Terry, how about, Dingus instead? G. Sizzle, my butt.
Since Fang lost the challenge, GillianCorrina, ancient nurse of Babylon, was on the chopping block. Also, MichelleBonnieG is up for an early exit. Apparently, Bonnie is a Negative Nancy. She doesn't like anyone. I kind of figured. At Tribal, she attacked everyone on the tribe, JUST like at work.
G.C.TerryM stepped up and was voted as first leader. Everyone,,, choral response: DEATH SENTENCE. In the past, the first leader, though usually self-appointed, gets the axe early on. Plus, what kind of dumbassed name is G.Sizzle!?
Oh Man, MichelleBonnie is voted out FIRST. Woa. The 'alliance' is broken right off. Bonnie G, or, in true Terry fashion, G.Bone, I think that Sthephen losth histh mo jo when he bragged about histh record prior to the last Survivor flight. Sorry, Kid.
Bonus: two hour special.
Of course, we start off with CharlieSthephen lisping about how cute and sthexthy MucousJohn isth th th th th th.
Then, a whole bunch of strategy garbage. Fang (pronounced like Thong but with an F. Also sounds like 'Thong' which causes a nanosecond delay in my processing everytime it is said), does nothing but argue. G.C.Terry tried to quit but nobody wanted the job of leader.
Reward challenge: Both teams show up to find two.......big.........balls. Nothing says good T.V. like two big balls. They had to roll the balls through a course. First one to get to the finish gets fishing gear and a spear. Koda wins again.
DanBrandan gets sent to Exile island. Serves him right. The guy needs time to think about stuff and things and why stuff happens but nothing matters as much as..........wait for it..............:clean..........white.......balls. He can't find the idol, probably because, being a lawyer, he lacks common sense and can't read very well.
GillianCorrina is voted out during the second hour because she's old and weak.
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: Don't eat what you can't idenify. Open your mind to blanket statements at staff meetings. And, whatever you do, don't bring up gum chewing.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Draft results
In true public education tradition, 40% of the people made 100% of the decisions and drafted players for all. If you don't like your pick, you can pay $7 and nothing will change. If you are ok with your pick, you can pay $5 and have a chance to win big bucks. The draft went as follows:
Ace = Kara H
Charlie = Steve H
Crystal = Shannon S
Danny = Terry M
Bob = Kathy B
Corinne = Tracy G
Dan = Brandon S
Gillian = Corina G
Jacquie = Patti B
Kelly = Mandi M
Marcus = John B
Michelle = Bonnie
Randy = Bob A
Jessica (Sugar) = Collette P
Ken = Kathleen
Matty = Debi G
Ace = Kara H
Charlie = Steve H
Crystal = Shannon S
Danny = Terry M
Bob = Kathy B
Corinne = Tracy G
Dan = Brandon S
Gillian = Corina G
Jacquie = Patti B
Kelly = Mandi M
Marcus = John B
Michelle = Bonnie
Randy = Bob A
Jessica (Sugar) = Collette P
Ken = Kathleen
Matty = Debi G
Paloma = Pamela L
Susie = Dana L
The rest would be easier to read if you have a printout of 'the cast'.
In my ten years in "THE SYSTEM" I have found that anyone who comes with their own nickname, oh, let's say, like, uh, ACE for instance, is probably a complete pain in the ass and needing constant attention. Good luck Kara. On a brighter note, I expect to spend quite a bit of time ogling Tracy G's boobs. CorineTracy is Screamin' hot. No wonder they cast her. It will be interesting to see what Jessica aka Collette aka Sugar's major malfunction is. Her bio actually alluded to adult film star. In her pic, she's looking over her shoulder trying to look like Marilyn Monroe, psssyyyyyyyychooooo. Patti is also supernova hot. JacquiePatti, aka Moodlegirl, looks like she could sell sand to an Iraqi. We'll see, Moodlegirl. Bobby A. is a self-proclaimed prick. Shocker. John B. as usual, looks like a Greek god. Debi G aka Matty is probably gay but doesn't know it yet. Pam aka Paloma is perfect because the spelling of her name looks right whether I'm drunk or sober. Mandi is a Spinner (if you don't know don't ask). DannyTerry LOOKS like he belongs out at 'The Rock'. CorinaGillian is old and probably knows a few things about manipulation. ShannonCrystal will be tough in all non swimming challenges. BrandonDan looks like a dingus. SteveCharlie is outwardly gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. SusieDana is a well-preserved Latina, probably tough as year old tortilla. BonnieMichelle was chosen for Bonnie by GaySteve so she's probably gay because he seems to have a natural homodevice, I mean homing device. Good luck. Pay up.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Survivor Gabon
Holy, crap. Get out your Survivor buffs and your magic lawn torch and get ready for a new season, Baby. There are some seriously beautiful people on this one. Did you see the pics?! I'm hoping that I won't have that problem with those pesky blurry spots on my tv this year. I want to see every pixel of aaaaaction and every lovely, sensuous pixel of brea.............king dawn. Yeah, that's it.
Get your butts on the web and pick a player. Hewitt has dibs on the gay one, as always.
Get your butts on the web and pick a player. Hewitt has dibs on the gay one, as always.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Yep, it's official
Rant:
As most of you have known for years and many have suspected and my students are figuring out, I'm a certified IDIOT. What moron gives up the Immunity Necklace to a pack of snarly, snaggle toothed women? He didn't even get a lap dance. Good thing his penis is permanently attached or he'd have given that too. MOron. Obviously, ErikJohn has never seen the bumper sticker that reads: "I don't trust anything that can bleed for three days and still live."
Re-Rant:
Holy crap! I am not happy with this decision. ErikJohn said it best when he asked why he had to give up the necklace when the majority of the votes could have been decided amongst three of them. I thought he had it all figured out at that point. Maybe it's all that Peter Frampton hair weighing on his brain. Maybe it's because an "ice cream scooper" (whatever the #&*#$ that is) should never rise to power. Maybe it's because he's a white male under the age of 99. I don't know.
Commentary:
It was the ErikJohn show last night. He dominated in the reward challenge and solved a puzzle relay way ahead of anyone else. He took the lovely AmandaPatti with him to a spa treatment. NatalieDave K. was pissed, though I think It spends most of Its time pissed. Erik was supposed to take it with him but chose Amanda instead. The less airtime they give NatalieDave the better. It says the dumbest lines in history. Every time It opens Its mouth, out comes another batch of verbal flatulence, "floss my teeth with their jugular." What kind of crap is that?! NatalieDave is like the Hannibal Lector of Survivor.
Poetry (assonance):
Seven days ago, ol' JamesJerome had to go home. He had an infection in his finger joint, near the bone. Down he tried to tone but the infection had grown.
Info:
AlexisTerry went home too. Now it's down to NatalieDave, AmandaPatti (mad at me for picking
Amanda again), CirieCorina, ParvartiKathleen.
Sending hymn:
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: If you find that you are the only male in a pack of women, keep your pecker tucked, your necklace on your neck, and your mouth shut.
As most of you have known for years and many have suspected and my students are figuring out, I'm a certified IDIOT. What moron gives up the Immunity Necklace to a pack of snarly, snaggle toothed women? He didn't even get a lap dance. Good thing his penis is permanently attached or he'd have given that too. MOron. Obviously, ErikJohn has never seen the bumper sticker that reads: "I don't trust anything that can bleed for three days and still live."
Re-Rant:
Holy crap! I am not happy with this decision. ErikJohn said it best when he asked why he had to give up the necklace when the majority of the votes could have been decided amongst three of them. I thought he had it all figured out at that point. Maybe it's all that Peter Frampton hair weighing on his brain. Maybe it's because an "ice cream scooper" (whatever the #&*#$ that is) should never rise to power. Maybe it's because he's a white male under the age of 99. I don't know.
Commentary:
It was the ErikJohn show last night. He dominated in the reward challenge and solved a puzzle relay way ahead of anyone else. He took the lovely AmandaPatti with him to a spa treatment. NatalieDave K. was pissed, though I think It spends most of Its time pissed. Erik was supposed to take it with him but chose Amanda instead. The less airtime they give NatalieDave the better. It says the dumbest lines in history. Every time It opens Its mouth, out comes another batch of verbal flatulence, "floss my teeth with their jugular." What kind of crap is that?! NatalieDave is like the Hannibal Lector of Survivor.
Poetry (assonance):
Seven days ago, ol' JamesJerome had to go home. He had an infection in his finger joint, near the bone. Down he tried to tone but the infection had grown.
Info:
AlexisTerry went home too. Now it's down to NatalieDave, AmandaPatti (mad at me for picking
Amanda again), CirieCorina, ParvartiKathleen.
Sending hymn:
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: If you find that you are the only male in a pack of women, keep your pecker tucked, your necklace on your neck, and your mouth shut.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
"curse of the idol" my butt
So, last week, OzzyBonnie has the idol and doesn't play it because she is good in the water but not much else. This week, JasonStephen gets the idol and doesn't play it because he's STUPID. Yes, STUPID. The network is billing it as "The Curse of the Idol." Has a nice ring to it but, like most things Survivory, it is contrived and sponsored by Ford. These idiots don't get voted off because of a 'curse.' They get voted off because they are a bigger threat and too GREEDY to play the idol. I wonder how much it would fetch on ebay.
For reward, they had a Survivor auction. ErikJohn bought a covered dish that turned out to be a hotdog and fries. The girls all bought a chocolate cake and had on minute to eat it. It looked like a Jenny Craig version of mud wrestling.
For immunity they had to break tiles and assemble a puzzle. ErikJohn, the ice cream scooper, won. Turns out it's his birthday too.
For once, the girls have figured out that they have the power to take control of the game. They plan on going all girls to the end. I am ok with this. ParvartiKathleen has made everyone mad so if she makes it through an episode, I predict she will go to final two. JamesJerome had a great idea but AmandaPatti wouldn't go for it. He wanted her and himself to vote Parvarti and then tell Jason who would have played the idol thereby giving most votes to Parvarti. He still should have gone to Jason and it would have worked. Dummy. But, nooooo, he runs around talking about, "eating the apple. Folks always got to eat dat apple." He should have been talking about idols and votes instead of running around throwing out metaphors like some kind of grave digging possessed English teacher.
JasonSteve is out. HA! Your reign of fantasy land dominance is over. And, what do you know, it ended as soon as you started bragging about how well you've done. Murphy just smacked you down, Boy!
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: Pick da apple. EAT da apple. And throw the core at your enemy.
For reward, they had a Survivor auction. ErikJohn bought a covered dish that turned out to be a hotdog and fries. The girls all bought a chocolate cake and had on minute to eat it. It looked like a Jenny Craig version of mud wrestling.
For immunity they had to break tiles and assemble a puzzle. ErikJohn, the ice cream scooper, won. Turns out it's his birthday too.
For once, the girls have figured out that they have the power to take control of the game. They plan on going all girls to the end. I am ok with this. ParvartiKathleen has made everyone mad so if she makes it through an episode, I predict she will go to final two. JamesJerome had a great idea but AmandaPatti wouldn't go for it. He wanted her and himself to vote Parvarti and then tell Jason who would have played the idol thereby giving most votes to Parvarti. He still should have gone to Jason and it would have worked. Dummy. But, nooooo, he runs around talking about, "eating the apple. Folks always got to eat dat apple." He should have been talking about idols and votes instead of running around throwing out metaphors like some kind of grave digging possessed English teacher.
JasonSteve is out. HA! Your reign of fantasy land dominance is over. And, what do you know, it ended as soon as you started bragging about how well you've done. Murphy just smacked you down, Boy!
Remember, take Survivor to work with you: Pick da apple. EAT da apple. And throw the core at your enemy.
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