Premier

Disclaimer: this is meant for fun and I only agree with about half of what I write. You figure out which half.

It started out, a bunch of hairless apes trudging through lush, green fields of Africa waiting to get eaten by Hippos. They met Jeffrey (Probst, not the ToysRus giraffe), chose tribes, then set out on the first challenge. The first tribe, Koda made it through a race and earned an extra bag of rice. The second tribe, Fang came in second.

Kenkathleen is a GEEK! He admitted that he hasn't kissed a real girl in five years. Being a computer 'gamer' though, I suppose he's kissed several cyber girls. What a stud.

CharlieStephen is totally attracted to MarcusJohn. Can you blame him? John is a hotttieeee. However, I'm not sure that Stheven could get any more gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. But, holy cow, I would guess that even other gay guys are embarrassed. The dude listhps the worst of any gay Survivor yet.

AceKaraH. is probably pretty cool. I have to say that he might be a good pick: focused, likable, strong, stho sexthy.

RandyBobA cut his head, of course. Stupid shop teachers are over paid and either burn themselves or cut themselves to get attention.

First Immunity challenge: a race through swamp tied together, over nets, to a site where puzzle pieces are buried. Fang gets there first but can't find any bags of pieces. Koda finds all three before other the tribe finds their first. Koda wins Immunity and fire. BobKathyB is a stud! That old fart is totally dominating. Forget running cheerleaders around, she's fixing huts, putting puzzles together, and running the show. She's like a white YauMan. Plus, he's a physics teacher which means there's been no money so he had to learn to do everything himself.

HA! DannyTerry would like to be called G Cissle or G.C. for short. Hey, Terry, how about, Dingus instead? G. Sizzle, my butt.

Since Fang lost the challenge, GillianCorrina, ancient nurse of Babylon, was on the chopping block. Also, MichelleBonnieG is up for an early exit. Apparently, Bonnie is a Negative Nancy. She doesn't like anyone. I kind of figured. At Tribal, she attacked everyone on the tribe, JUST like at work.

G.C.TerryM stepped up and was voted as first leader. Everyone,,, choral response: DEATH SENTENCE. In the past, the first leader, though usually self-appointed, gets the axe early on. Plus, what kind of dumbassed name is G.Sizzle!?

Oh Man, MichelleBonnie is voted out FIRST. Woa. The 'alliance' is broken right off. Bonnie G, or, in true Terry fashion, G.Bone, I think that Sthephen losth histh mo jo when he bragged about histh record prior to the last Survivor flight. Sorry, Kid.

Bonus: two hour special.

Of course, we start off with CharlieSthephen lisping about how cute and sthexthy MucousJohn isth th th th th th.

Then, a whole bunch of strategy garbage. Fang (pronounced like Thong but with an F. Also sounds like 'Thong' which causes a nanosecond delay in my processing everytime it is said), does nothing but argue. G.C.Terry tried to quit but nobody wanted the job of leader.

Reward challenge: Both teams show up to find two.......big.........balls. Nothing says good T.V. like two big balls. They had to roll the balls through a course. First one to get to the finish gets fishing gear and a spear. Koda wins again.

DanBrandan gets sent to Exile island. Serves him right. The guy needs time to think about stuff and things and why stuff happens but nothing matters as much as..........wait for it..............:clean..........white.......balls. He can't find the idol, probably because, being a lawyer, he lacks common sense and can't read very well.

GillianCorrina is voted out during the second hour because she's old and weak.

Remember, take Survivor to work with you: Don't eat what you can't idenify. Open your mind to blanket statements at staff meetings. And, whatever you do, don't bring up gum chewing.

Draft results

In true public education tradition, 40% of the people made 100% of the decisions and drafted players for all. If you don't like your pick, you can pay $7 and nothing will change. If you are ok with your pick, you can pay $5 and have a chance to win big bucks. The draft went as follows:



Ace = Kara H

Charlie = Steve H

Crystal = Shannon S

Danny = Terry M

Bob = Kathy B

Corinne = Tracy G

Dan = Brandon S

Gillian = Corina G

Jacquie = Patti B

Kelly = Mandi M

Marcus = John B

Michelle = Bonnie

Randy = Bob A

Jessica (Sugar) = Collette P

Ken = Kathleen

Matty = Debi G

Paloma = Pamela L

Susie = Dana L

The rest would be easier to read if you have a printout of 'the cast'.

In my ten years in "THE SYSTEM" I have found that anyone who comes with their own nickname, oh, let's say, like, uh, ACE for instance, is probably a complete pain in the ass and needing constant attention. Good luck Kara. On a brighter note, I expect to spend quite a bit of time ogling Tracy G's boobs. CorineTracy is Screamin' hot. No wonder they cast her. It will be interesting to see what Jessica aka Collette aka Sugar's major malfunction is. Her bio actually alluded to adult film star. In her pic, she's looking over her shoulder trying to look like Marilyn Monroe, psssyyyyyyyychooooo. Patti is also supernova hot. JacquiePatti, aka Moodlegirl, looks like she could sell sand to an Iraqi. We'll see, Moodlegirl. Bobby A. is a self-proclaimed prick. Shocker. John B. as usual, looks like a Greek god. Debi G aka Matty is probably gay but doesn't know it yet. Pam aka Paloma is perfect because the spelling of her name looks right whether I'm drunk or sober. Mandi is a Spinner (if you don't know don't ask). DannyTerry LOOKS like he belongs out at 'The Rock'. CorinaGillian is old and probably knows a few things about manipulation. ShannonCrystal will be tough in all non swimming challenges. BrandonDan looks like a dingus. SteveCharlie is outwardly gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. SusieDana is a well-preserved Latina, probably tough as year old tortilla. BonnieMichelle was chosen for Bonnie by GaySteve so she's probably gay because he seems to have a natural homodevice, I mean homing device. Good luck. Pay up.

Survivor Gabon

Holy, crap. Get out your Survivor buffs and your magic lawn torch and get ready for a new season, Baby. There are some seriously beautiful people on this one. Did you see the pics?! I'm hoping that I won't have that problem with those pesky blurry spots on my tv this year. I want to see every pixel of aaaaaction and every lovely, sensuous pixel of brea.............king dawn. Yeah, that's it.

Get your butts on the web and pick a player. Hewitt has dibs on the gay one, as always.